psyche

While maybe not always displayed, I think there is present a struggle between the high and low ends of self-esteem. I thought this was something that only affected me, being a narcissist, but interestingly everyone I’ve expressed concern to about this seems to suffer from a similar thing. I looked up “Superiority complex” on Wikipedia, expecting a redirect to “God” or “Messiah” complexes but it seems that it did in fact refer to something created to compensate for an inferiority complex! There appears to be massive confirmation of what I had suspected for a long time: as if parallel to bipolar disorder, these two conflicting complexes continue to mess up any stable worldview I might adopt.

Speaking of worldviews, I think it’s no longer possible for me to rationally assess the huge number of data being fed to me through various inlets (mainly mass media). I can’t really live my life thinking “I am upset about the very real and very horrific suffering of loads and loads of people” because it would eventually destroy me. Similarly, I can’t ignore most of the world. At the moment the situation with this is similar and probably connected to the superiority/inferiority complex thing; I am sometimes feeling very bad about poverty etc. and sometimes don’t care at all. My problem is that I can only embrace extremes of behaviour, motivation and performance (yes, those overlap a lot). I guess I’m going to have to find some middle ground eventually.

A final note on modesty and humility with regards to actual self-image: I don’t really think these words offer much for me to work with as they’re ambiguous enough as to become useless.

These are the distinctions I think ought to be made:

•  Acting in a superior way
• Acting in an inferior

Remember that your outward appearance is not necessarily a straight-up reflection of what you believe; you may act proudly and outgoing-ly when you’re in fact somewhat worried and nervous or act like a shy, modest person while in fact thinking about how you’re better than everyone etc. Of these, the most important distinction to make is the one between perceived humility (because someone acts modestly) and genuine humility (which might not be represented properly in someone’s actions - they might act proudly but actually be very down to earth and just have a slightly altered external personality).

It must take some really quirky but perceptive understanding to evaluate yourself properly as not all-important when you are by nature the centre of your own experiences!

Pax

I went to Will’s picnic. Hot Fuzz was funnier than I remember. So was Elliot. Conversation topics were thrilling (e.g. David Tennant’s eyes). First extended contact with Lucy and Claire; was disastrous - let Vivan down (promised him I’d be normal. Wasn’t.). Would like to explain myself; can’t, won’t, don’t need to. Had cake which Will’s mum made. Am disgusted by own failure in all walks of life.

Will not die quietly.

Pax

I’ve just realised something that threatens to totally mess me up - forever:

Ethics is like psychology which is like quantum physics - the conclusions don’t seem right; they’re uncomfortable, inconvenient and go against everything I wanted them to be!

I just don’t know what I’m doing now.

Also, the good ol’ test (my results have worsened a lot since I last took this: perhaps I’m just more honest now? I think that’s it… I was expecting “Very High” for Histrionic, but hey…)

Pax

I’m in the middle of these exams. The screech of pencilcase zips and the clatter of rulers and calculators are beginning to erode my very soul.

However, I was never really on my own. Never all alone.

On a more sociological theme, what about the following?

I wouldn’t really say I’m into any specific type, but I like guys who enjoy sports and I love it when they speak several foreign languages…

(quotation doctored)

Surely engaging personality or just being ripped help?

Pax

I think I’ve noted some more of my own major malfunctions. Firstly, I notice that most people are either so good at one particular thing and enjoy it so much that they know that that’s what they want to spend their life doing or of the other group which comprises those so good at so many things that they have a hard time making up their minds (and the really lucky ones are very good at everything but amazing at or particularly enjoy one particular thing and so have no trouble). I, alas, am simply mediocre. I can’t decide between computer science, maths and physics. Oh well.

Other people. The ones with friends you don’t know, secret girlfriends, interesting ambitions, good hearts. Everyone is like this, right? Not me. What you see is what you get. My time has come and gone. I stumbled and took faltering steps and tripped and messed up and pulled myself along the ground until I was out of the spotlight.

Know that I tried!

Pax

I keep getting annoyed at petty things that people do and also I’ve started to imagine things. Like, imagine that things are moving when they’re not. I also keep remembering some train with a fair few (but by no means full of) people. The people are all sort of tired and sad and they know it’s over and they see each other every day but never say anything and their stories are all as tragic as everyone else’s but they never share them. Some timeless sadness. It makes my heart sink and I don’t know what it is.

This world is in some way incompatible with my mind. Fuck this shit.

Pax

Sixth form teaching has for the most part just ended. No more lessons. Easy term; just exams.

This is it! I am no longer a conscious being; I am now a vessel of hatred, arrogance and greed and all my actions are symptoms of human delusion. Exams! Racking up A*s! No matter how much I hate pressure or failure or being continuously outclassed, I have to say, this is good. This is what I was born to do.

To those of you doing exams, I say:

• Read the question once quickly and once carefully.
• Call upon every fact and unit of wit you have ever possessed and answer the question.*
• Never despair.

To those of you competing at life, I say:

• Hold your trump card till the end.
• Call upon every fact and unit of wit you have ever possessed and make your move.**
• Never lose your cool.

* Writing your answer down is very important too.
** Preferably the best move.

To paraphrase Joshua Waitzkin, it’s the second mistake that gets you. Make a mistake but then make the best of the resulting scenario. Such is the grand compromise.

Such is death.

Pax

I’m laughing out loud and carrying no notion of what this is about. Make no mistake - no matter how many times you get patted on the shoulder and told that results mean nothing as they can’t tell you what really happened, they mean everything. This is a fight to the death. Sure, some people will have a harder time of it than others but what it comes down to is results. Real results are all the world should ever need. They can’t lie. They can be changed but that shouldn’t happen. The real result makes your brain lock up and your heart sink but it is the closest thing to God we have! It is truth! It is purity!

This is a game; a competition. Whether your overbearing or highly intelligent parents have shaped you into a winner from the day you could talk or are altogether more emotional about life, you are here and you are fighting. Everyone is fighting. It is the human way!

Stand fast on your podium because I am now hellbent and will not hesitate to throw you from it if it means getting closer to the truth and pulling humanity a little further back from the event horizon of decadence’s black hole. If it should slip, there will be no going back.

Pax

P.S. I am a little more confrontational than usual. You play your fiddle, I’ll play dumb.

Yes, I am ruined and I am here again. For all my complaints and motions against the enemy’s flaws, it has struck me down and charged me however many thousand yen it takes to kill an adult whale. No-one could tell me if I could be like the others! Don Jaime de Astarloa spins in his grave as I lose again and again. My heart blackens in the face of even petty adversity. However, tick, tock; I will never be all alone. I might just pull through.

“Hold your trump card till the end!” yells some purple-haired young-but-old man. What a joke! I didn’t realise that the whole world smiled cutely and lured me into complacency while preparing to strike. Now I do and let it be known that I will fight - I will actually fight - to beat this down. I put myself back together and next time is never.

I don’t even know what you want when you evangelise about your own power. Sometimes, I must confess, I want to shout. There is no way I can get A*s in every exam, by the way. Sure, everyone says it won’t matter, but if it doesn’t matter, why even try? For sport? Then it does matter, at least a little. This double-standard-mania-death should embarrass all of you! I will strive never to make you deceitful windmills proud. Never. I will die a number! I LIKE DYING A NUMBER. Make some room.

Hand me down. It’s better when I’m not around. I feel good and I look like I should, but I could never make you proud.
Pax

I recently saw some video for The Fray’s How To Save a Life - it wasn’t the same as the one I’d seen before. This one had a white backdrop and lots of people crying and words like “Fear” and “Surrender” coming up. This sort of epitomises how teenage angst has been updated. Any complaints just become ridiculous and contemptible. I don’t know why. At some point in the past you could think “Argh. I’ll just KILL MYSELF and then you’ll be sorry!” or start crying, or be broken and expect people to suddenly realise you’re hurt/they’re wrong. However, it’s not like that. Life is an enemy that does not give up or act like it should. You actually have to risk losing. I don’t like risking loss so I basically avoid most sports and academic competitions. Loss is humiliating and belittling but it’s also honest. For those of you who don’t lose, it’s much worse than you would believe. However, some people don’t respond badly. Some people use their last match to burn their own life down, but others, for whatever reason, correct or not, are reformed and become stronger - like bone or muscle, being driven to the edge and becoming more powerful.

This is no longer an option; it is necessity. Karma, God, faith, hope - all symptoms of some minor confusion over what life is: an enemy!

Maybe I’m just bitter. Well, I am bitter. However, I am motivated by something else.

Pax