psyche

I have to go to the southeast region U18 sabre BYC qualifier tomorrow, meaning I have to be at school at 07:30. Oh dear. I was thinking about Lain its random references to Ted Nelson and of course Vannevar and his Memex and was just wondering about why they chose that theme. I mean, Chiaki J. Konaka appears to be a computer enthusiast but his web presence didn’t come across as too… involved.

Oh yes, and SEL’s other reference to HotSauce still makes me think. Strange. SEL is really the perfect thing to destroy me: it seems like it’s been perfectly designed to distract me completely. Computing, informatics, psychology and philosophy and something that causes my reality connection to fail and my paranoia to increase. It’s something to do with suburban gloom! It’s The Node! WHAT IS IT? WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR? Am I just hopelessly lost in a mental fight to define myself, or is there something else?

Leader with info = Lain of the Wired

Pax

Is it important that we’re always plugged in? How important is it? Is my extreme feeling of déjà vu just me being stupid or is my subconscious sadly piecing together stuff I’ve seen and reluctantly forcing me into this existential decline because it knows what’s going on? Why am I like this? Why are you like that?

I think I might know a few things which may be important. Information? Yes, I like information. I like it a lot. I also like railings and train tracks and voices over intercoms telling me that I am being stalked for my own protection. It’s not my fault!

I think that everything I’ve ever seen or read that hasn’t had any effect on me at all is now catching up with me. In this singularity of glorious rubbish, I am going to emerge a more messed up but more stable person? How is that possible? I don’t want to live in a world in which everyone is very annoying. As I said, I can only hope that I, in the words of Mathieu, “happy up”.

A face in the static!

I can’t wait for school to be over. I think the school part of me has expired prematurely.

I really, really hope that I will end up happy. I don’t care if I fail to help humanity and never get as clever as my friends but please, random interactions that are the universe, let me end up happy!

Pax

My strange melancholy isn’t something new or recent, is it?

To paraphrase Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club) on this weird messed-upness:

It was right in everyone’s face. Something just made it visible. It was on the tip of everyone’s tounge. Something just gave it a name.

Pax

I don’t really have a frame of reference for this; I’m going to put it into psychology but I don’t really know where it belongs (sadly, I don’t really know where much belongs). When I watched The Animatrix for the first time, I think I was probably about twelve (?) - an age at which I genuinely believed I was at the pinnacle of my understanding. I dismissed The Animatrix as mildly interesting but ultimately not very engaging. Having watched it again (and noted myriad similarities between Kid’s Story and SEL…), I think some of it is a lot better than I had first thought. My perspective has changed entirely, for some reason. My condition before, and I must work by analogy here, is similar to that of someone prepubescent trying to understand the appeal of sexuality: I believe it is largely beyond comprehension. It’s the same as trying to understand extra spatial dimensions (although maybe someone out there can understand or visualise these things…).

The thing is, I always believe I’m at the pinnacle of my understanding. How do I know, then, whether I am getting closer to or further away from the truth? I lock into different mindsets, both long- and short-term (remember Self-Pwn Farhan?), never knowing whether I’m right or not - only what I believe. I don’t know why I believe what I do; I don’t choose what to believe. I guide myself and talk to myself but ultimately my decisions about belief and rejection or acceptance of reality or society are not consciously made!

So what should I do? I pour my mind into this, so that later I might at least try to understand my old viewpoint - in case my new one is erroneous.

Pax

When I look back at this, I want to truly understand who I was. Even if the nihilist in me is dead and I am ready to start the end of my life (that is to say, be happy), I want to remember who I am. I don’t want to end up being someone with Farhan’s memories and body and life but a different set of algorithms - no! I want to stay the same. Not some evolved Farhan, better-suited to integrating with a society that I have rejected (well, a society that rejected me).

I am tired all the time. The classical music they play at Hammersmith Station in the morning (to make us docile?) is … it becomes insipid. Society has reached a level of abstraction I simply cannot tolerate. I don’t work! My brain doesn’t go well.

I have to somehow justify my own state. There’s no way to make everyone understand who I am. I have to trust that I can keep everything I have ever seen or known alive simply by remembering. Even if no-one else understands or remembers, I must, right? That’s enough, isn’t it?

Isn’t it?

What is The Node? It’s something to do with suburban gloom and computers… it has some anti-consumerist leaning… urgh. I have to know. I’ve got quite close to discovering through SEL and The Matrix. By that I mean their extended universes. The Lain anime, game and book together remind me of it, as do the The Matrix (first film), Animatrix and Matrix Comics. I have to somehow find out just who I am! It’s not something I’ve forgotten. I don’t think I ever knew what The Node was or is or whatever but I still feel like I did. I also feel like I will never know.

I don’t want to be dismissed as a quirk or an anomaly. There’s something going on here!

When I watch the Lain intro now, it’s no longer the interesting chords or funny animation that I’m concerned with. I see media convergence, reality and perception being truly accepted as separate etc. but I also see a girl with a funny hairclip, a child playing video games… I see something that is somehow connected to something. Basically. What is it? Why have I reacted so badly? Is my subconscious artificially giving me a purpose by filling in gaps with non-existent facts to promote the idea that I somehow have some reason to exist?

Am I finally breaking down, trying desperately to justify my own existence? Who am I? Who is Lain? What is The Matrix? What’s The Node?

Pax

One of the main things that’s wrong with me is that everything I encounter ends up meaning something weird to me - something it wasn’t meant to mean. This is why it’s so difficult to explain myself to other people; I’m highly self-referential. Things change in my mind.

I’ve just realised how good some of the Animatrix really is. Beyond captured suburban gloom very well, Detective Story, Second Renaissance and World Record were just awesome and Kid’s Story was partly inspired by Lain - I didn’t know that when I watched it but I still connected with it.

I don’t want to die without being understood, I think. That’s why I try to force everyone I know to do everything I’ve done - so they can understand the conclusions I’ve drawn. However, it doesn’t really work. I don’t think it ever will.

I see things I will never understand. The social climate I’m in is one of elitism and condescension. Not the one I expected, with snobbery and such, mind you - it’s more subtle. It pretends to be acceptable but is in fact the creator of troubled people. Double standards make me very, very angry. I will not die without finding Lain, by the way.

If that means I have to live forever, then so be it HA HA HA HA HA

The feeling of Myst is linked to suburban gloom by the common factor that is loneliness. Lain led me to bôa, who are awesome. Everything is converging. My tags will soon be obsolete as everything will be about the same thing: The Node!

Pax

I just attempted to quantify one aspect of my life that continuously and torturously reminds me of Lain; suburbanity.

Here you go…

Pax

I just watched Memento on the advice of Oliver Jones and it was ridiculously awesome. Its hyperlink style was awesome and the themes it dealt with reminded me a lot of some of Lain. Not the anime so much, but definitely the Nightmare of Fabrication thing as well as other creepy memory things in the artbook…

Awesome.

On the theme of convergence, David Gray’s lyric “Somehow it don’t feel real” and Jakob Dylan’s “I hallucinated that you were in my arms” are beginning to haunt me. The cold, rusting suburbanity of the residential roads around where I live fill me with a feeling of nostalgia, happiness, sadness and confusion. They remind me of The Matrix and Lain in some way. It’s so strange. Everything seems to link to other things which all eventually link back to this messed up feeling. The connectedness of everything is unnerving. The quiet suburban emptiness, with wire fences coated in plastic and slightly rusted railings and secret bus stops and blank-faced people who don’t quite remember just what it was they came for. It reminds me of a picture in the Lain book which I’ll scan in. Or does the picture in the Lain book remind me of the feeling? I need to give it a name… how about… The Node?

Pax

Oh dear; I tried to make my mother watch Fight Club. She totally freaked out. I think I misjudged her taste, although she did like The Matrix, V for Vendetta and Serial Experiments Lain… it’s similar to Mr Rokison rejecting SEL as “not good enough” but more of a sort of shock reaction. Anyway, I guess it’s time to admit that I understand things differently to other people.

She attributes her reaction to childhood trauma involving violent movies and hospitals.

Oh well.

Pax

I shouldn’t really be awake. Every day is the same. I am hopelessly deluded. I will never win. My friends are just complicated enemies lost in the confusing search for purpose that robs us all of reason. I am not awake or asleep. I am not dead or alive. I am a thinking, growing and dying array of organic particles. I refuse to die. The state between alive and dead is not unusual - it is this. One day, everyone will be connected. It’s not an end in itself; merely a local maximum.

I foresee great things.

Pax