psyche

I can’t guarantee you’ll have any idea what I’m talking about but I’ll still try. Basically, a recurring thing I’ve noticed in my life is that of the bathroom mirror. It’s always there. My face hurts - something about my diet maybe. It is pockmarked and doesn’t heal well and while the inside of my head becomes numb, my face is stung by the air that surrounds it. Sorry, random tangent. Basically, whenever I am sick or have a headache or am pulling an all-nighter, I tend to repeatedly visit the bathroom to splash cold water into my face and ask myself who I am. Also, when I’m in hospital or at the doctor or the dentist I’m there cringing with pain or embarrassment or horror and the walls are white and sterile and everything is plastic and disposable except the mirror and I stare at it.

I look into my own eyes and I know that whatever strange changes happen to me, and if later later my teeth are white and my nose is plastic and my hair is a different colour and similarly are my eyes tinted by lenses sitting on them I will still see into myself that way as my knuckles whiten around whatever sink there is and my brain cries out.

Failure - it’s like an old friend.

Pax