psyche

Despite the blanket of GCSEs suffocating me (particularly English. I’m so confused. I’ve bluffed every previous English exam and never done badly - and each time I became more complacent. Now it’s the real thing and - what if I’m expected not to bluff it?! It’s too late. I was too slow!), I think I’m more happy. Which is bad. This is who I am, I think. I am an insecure and annoying, marginally successful boy with a fistful of busted 3A fuses and some gadgets in my pocket and a gallium arsenide-coated piece of silicon stuck on my trousers and a whole load of (mostly incorrect) stuff in my brain.

This is it.

Pax

I wish I felt nothing.

Pax

If I’d saved all my conversations (I used to. When I was twelve.) I would actually do a statistically sound thing, but instead I’ll guesstimate my most used online words or phrases:

1. lol
2. awzm
3. oh well
4. wtf
5. what
6. cunt
7. Gorbachev
8. ho ho
9. u r fat
10. lolzor
11. tard

I keep getting annoyed at petty things that people do and also I’ve started to imagine things. Like, imagine that things are moving when they’re not. I also keep remembering some train with a fair few (but by no means full of) people. The people are all sort of tired and sad and they know it’s over and they see each other every day but never say anything and their stories are all as tragic as everyone else’s but they never share them. Some timeless sadness. It makes my heart sink and I don’t know what it is.

This world is in some way incompatible with my mind. Fuck this shit.

Pax

Sixth form teaching has for the most part just ended. No more lessons. Easy term; just exams.

This is it! I am no longer a conscious being; I am now a vessel of hatred, arrogance and greed and all my actions are symptoms of human delusion. Exams! Racking up A*s! No matter how much I hate pressure or failure or being continuously outclassed, I have to say, this is good. This is what I was born to do.

To those of you doing exams, I say:

• Read the question once quickly and once carefully.
• Call upon every fact and unit of wit you have ever possessed and answer the question.*
• Never despair.

To those of you competing at life, I say:

• Hold your trump card till the end.
• Call upon every fact and unit of wit you have ever possessed and make your move.**
• Never lose your cool.

* Writing your answer down is very important too.
** Preferably the best move.

To paraphrase Joshua Waitzkin, it’s the second mistake that gets you. Make a mistake but then make the best of the resulting scenario. Such is the grand compromise.

Such is death.

Pax

I’m laughing out loud and carrying no notion of what this is about. Make no mistake - no matter how many times you get patted on the shoulder and told that results mean nothing as they can’t tell you what really happened, they mean everything. This is a fight to the death. Sure, some people will have a harder time of it than others but what it comes down to is results. Real results are all the world should ever need. They can’t lie. They can be changed but that shouldn’t happen. The real result makes your brain lock up and your heart sink but it is the closest thing to God we have! It is truth! It is purity!

This is a game; a competition. Whether your overbearing or highly intelligent parents have shaped you into a winner from the day you could talk or are altogether more emotional about life, you are here and you are fighting. Everyone is fighting. It is the human way!

Stand fast on your podium because I am now hellbent and will not hesitate to throw you from it if it means getting closer to the truth and pulling humanity a little further back from the event horizon of decadence’s black hole. If it should slip, there will be no going back.

Pax

P.S. I am a little more confrontational than usual. You play your fiddle, I’ll play dumb.

Yes, I am ruined and I am here again. For all my complaints and motions against the enemy’s flaws, it has struck me down and charged me however many thousand yen it takes to kill an adult whale. No-one could tell me if I could be like the others! Don Jaime de Astarloa spins in his grave as I lose again and again. My heart blackens in the face of even petty adversity. However, tick, tock; I will never be all alone. I might just pull through.

“Hold your trump card till the end!” yells some purple-haired young-but-old man. What a joke! I didn’t realise that the whole world smiled cutely and lured me into complacency while preparing to strike. Now I do and let it be known that I will fight - I will actually fight - to beat this down. I put myself back together and next time is never.

I don’t even know what you want when you evangelise about your own power. Sometimes, I must confess, I want to shout. There is no way I can get A*s in every exam, by the way. Sure, everyone says it won’t matter, but if it doesn’t matter, why even try? For sport? Then it does matter, at least a little. This double-standard-mania-death should embarrass all of you! I will strive never to make you deceitful windmills proud. Never. I will die a number! I LIKE DYING A NUMBER. Make some room.

Hand me down. It’s better when I’m not around. I feel good and I look like I should, but I could never make you proud.
Pax

No, it wasn’t that good but it was okay and had funny moments but, being a comic book movie, was easy to laugh at - in both good and bad ways… Harry Osborn became a textbook sentimental salvation guy - just like Doctor Octopus, which was kind of… a waste. Oh well.

What else did you think that I would say? As if it wasn’t fat enough!

Pax

I recently saw some video for The Fray’s How To Save a Life - it wasn’t the same as the one I’d seen before. This one had a white backdrop and lots of people crying and words like “Fear” and “Surrender” coming up. This sort of epitomises how teenage angst has been updated. Any complaints just become ridiculous and contemptible. I don’t know why. At some point in the past you could think “Argh. I’ll just KILL MYSELF and then you’ll be sorry!” or start crying, or be broken and expect people to suddenly realise you’re hurt/they’re wrong. However, it’s not like that. Life is an enemy that does not give up or act like it should. You actually have to risk losing. I don’t like risking loss so I basically avoid most sports and academic competitions. Loss is humiliating and belittling but it’s also honest. For those of you who don’t lose, it’s much worse than you would believe. However, some people don’t respond badly. Some people use their last match to burn their own life down, but others, for whatever reason, correct or not, are reformed and become stronger - like bone or muscle, being driven to the edge and becoming more powerful.

This is no longer an option; it is necessity. Karma, God, faith, hope - all symptoms of some minor confusion over what life is: an enemy!

Maybe I’m just bitter. Well, I am bitter. However, I am motivated by something else.

Pax

I fail at everything I want to be good at - and most things I don’t, with the principal exception of failure. I’m good at that. However, this ridiculous self-deprecating deathbag alter-ego cunt chutzpah Weimar reinstallation FUCK FACE RADIO FREQUENCY SHITBAG will not break me. Neither will the continued success of others slapping me in the face every day, or the death of everything I cultivate (that really happens). No! Because I am decadent! AND THE BOURGEOISIE JUST DON’T DIE.

You know what? FUCK THIS SHIT. I scapegoat no-one. I only have myself to blame, so I do. It’s simple - why doesn’t it turn out right?

Maybe this is how it’s meant to turn out.

League tables, pressure, depression, failure, hormones combined with comfy middle-class decadence. I’m not good at sport and I’m not good at academia. I don’t mean anything to anyone. If I studied hard I could improve and then be my reputation. They’ll grade us on a curve! They’re including everyone! Shit, fuck, fuck it. Fuck. Did I mention fuckshit? Well, I tried. I tried fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck cunts. I don’t believe your lies! I don’t even want this to swim cunt. SHIT. Don’t give up on me! Wait, do. That way it’ll be less disappointing. TROGDOR! You may see someone tonight. Will you be the one that saves my life?

:’(

Pax