psyche

To be honest, my brain is off. I’ve been, well, not sleeping for a while now. At first I thought that it had few ill effects; I was tired but hardly out of action and fared well indeed - and still am doing so, apparently. However, there are a number of internal changes. Things I want to do appear to be drifting away and things are slipping and sliding into awkward positions and I wish I could get a handle on all this stuff but I just can’t. Maybe at Durston I was smart, but now I’m not. I possess neither knowledge nor understanding. I am a shadow - a shadow - of who or what I used to be. Whether what I used to be is idealised in my brain, I don’t know. I suspect it is, a little.

Anyway, there was another composer’s concert last night and it was okay. Some people (like me) couldn’t play what they had to play and others (like me) had written crap pieces with no dynamics, titles or structure (lol) but whatever. The music department pulled it off admirably. I’ve just written some disgustocrap (= disgustingly crap) piece, or disgustopiece, for my third piece of GCSE coursework. It’s pretty bad, seriously.

Quotation of the day (Composer’s Concert)
Elliot: (has been doing technology, not music, for the past one and a half years) *is in Cyrus’s vicinity*
Cyrus: (with an air of mild surprise) …I didn’t know you did music.

Lol that’s actually great. I respect Cyrus for assuming that Elliot could have been doing music for almost two years without being noticed. I genuinely respect him for that.

Also I have some fencing Nationals thing over the weekend, which sounds ominous. I’m going to do very badly. Really I am. But that’s not to say I’ll try!*

Anyway, I was just thinking BLEH. I wish that I could be an outgoing and fun person with lots of friends who did things. The cruellest joke of all is that I misunderstood things right from the start. I thought people were good at some things but not others - alas, then, when confronted with people at this school who are good at everything they need to be good at, I wasn’t intimidated but I failed. Ho ho! Total failure; meh, who needs to do well in exams, have a girlfriend, be a calculator, know all the chords, always keep their eye on the ball, set an example, sleep frequently? Oh, bollocks - I do.

*I meant “That’s not to say I won’t try!”… hmm… sleep deprivation, typo or Freudian slip, a symptom of a deep-seated psychological trauma? Ho ho, I don’t know.

Pax

P.S. I hate achieved talent. I hate natural talent. I hate genetics. I hate attractiveness. I hate personality. I hate hatred. I hate war. I hate peace. I hate life - not in a “ho ho i r go slash mi writsts 4 fun an den u’ll b sori ho ho” way, but more of a “Being sentient is the ultimate torture!”. This disgustocrap. Life is an impurity! I am not a nihilist but I am hormonal, sleep-deprived and ugly and therefore I will say these things! Long live the world, resting on its side!